Little Known Sarah Palin Fact: Sarah Palin welcomes you to Obama’s America. Will she be back? You betcha.
It’s an inescapable conclusion that this woman has, in 6 short weeks, single-handedly destroyed the Republican party. Certainly George Bush may share some of the blame; but we conservatives must remember how our hopes were buoyed by his impressive bloodlines and Yale degree before we realized his excursion to Texas had caused him to “go native.” But la Palin offers true conservatives no such extenuating graces. I mean, my God, this woman is simply awful; the elided vowels, the beauty pageantry, the guns, the crude non-Episcopal protestantism, the embarrassing porchload of children with horrifying hillbilly names, the white after Labor Day. As fellow conservative commentator Andrew Sullivan quipped to me the other day outside a Martha’s Vineyard antique shop, it’s gratifying to know the Gipper isn’t alive to see what has become of his party.
But it’s not just American conservatives who are appalled. Just last week conservative New York Times columnist David Brooks and I were enjoying an apres-badminton apertif at the family weekend house in Montauk with my good friend Viscount Klaus-Maria Von Wallensheim, the conservative EU Agricultural Pricing Minister with whom I shared an Alpine chalet and manservant during our years as classmates at a Swiss boarding school. “Kloonkie” (my old school appellation for the Viscount) reported the growing dismay of the Continental Right over Palin’s embarrassing enthusiasm for childbirth and Israel.
“Coddsie, old chap,” he warned, “You know I’ve always been America’s biggest defender in Monaco. But if you elect this ill-bred charwoman, I will be forced to move anchor to St. Tropez out of pure shame.”
Such ballderdashery should never be tolerated, my good chappies.
Little Known Fact: Sarah Palin doesn’t get in people’s faces about things – she asks Todd Palin to do it instead. This is because if the day ever comes that Sarah Palin gets in your face, your face will rip off.
With an extremely narrow victory in our reader poll, the Palin Facts “It’s Science!” shirt is here! And just in time for Governor Sarah Palin’s debate with Senator Joe Biden!
(Because it was so close, we’ll be doing the second one, too…but this one was needed in time for the debate. As always, just ask in the comments if you’d like it on a type of shirt we didn’t offer by default).
Little Known Fact: Only an idiot would try to hide behind the name “anonymous” when they try to hack Sarah Palin’s computer. Sarah Palin knows exactly who you are, Donna Brazile.
Little Known Fact: Sarah Palin only said she bought a tanning bed – in reality, it was a reverse tanning bed, powering all tanning beds everywhere around the world with the smoldering sun-kissed light from within Sarah Palin.
This is a truly great day. Chuck Norris, the Man himself, has deigned to give an approving fist pump to us as chroniclers of the Little Known Facts about Sarah Palin. He cites his personal favorites as follows:
-Sarah Palin once carved a perfect likeness of the Mona Lisa in a block of ice using only her teeth.
-Sarah Palin doesn’t need a gun to hunt, because she can throw a bullet through an adult bull elk.
-And my favorite: Sarah Palin is courageous and tough enough to shave Chuck Norris’s beard – and face off against his third fist disguised as a chin.
In honor of Mr. Norris’s compliments, we have created a design at the newly launched Sarah Palin Facts Gear, where you can purchase t-shirts and other sundries, using one of his own Chuck Norris approved favorite facts.
Want to show your PalinFacts at the next rally? We’re now selling some of the best PalinFacts on a variety of merchandise. Keep coming back, there’s more coming.
Visit the Palin Facts store
Stacy’s mom has got nothin’ on Bristol’s.
Lots of Little Known Facts coming out tonight as Sarah Palin knocks one out of the park. First some stuff I found, and then the best of the web.
- Sarah Palin was to walk out to the singing of Angels, but convention organizers thought it might come off as showing off.
- Sarah Palin’s suit is made from 100% dead liberal skin.
- Sarah Palin prepped for this speech with a ritual sacrifice of Susan Estrich.
- Sarah Palin has actually travelled backwards in time from after the roll call to accept the nomination retroactively.
- Sarah Palin doesn’t actually have an accent, it’s distortion from her telepathic broadcast directly into your brain.
- In 2003, the US considered deploying Sarah Palin to Iraq as a 1-woman commando squad, but wanted to make it a fair fight.
- As head of Alaska’s Nat’l Guard, Sarah Palin taught troops in a training exercise to scare a grenade into not exploding.
- Sarah Palin drives herself to work everyday – in an M1A1 tank
- Sarah Palin believes in change, too. She takes it from your pockets after striking you dead.
- Sarah Palin wears three quarter length sleeves to keep from getting blood on her clothes when she kills liberals.
And some of my other favorites…
- @kurtluidhardt – Glasses sales up 150 percent since Sarah palin became nominee.
- @kevinbinversie – The diamonds in Sarah Palin’s earrings were crushed with her very hands.
- Also @kevinbinversie – Sarah Palin’s use of the word “Haberdashery” will bring it back in style.
@apophistoledo – Sarah Palin can roll a natural 20 on a d6 (gamers, you know it!)
- @seanhackbarth – Sarah Palin loves opening up a can of whoop-ass.
- @AndTheRest – It’s not over until Sarah Palin says it’s over.
- @lagomorph13 – wants to be President but is too kind to cut in front of John McCain, so now we get her for 16 yrs!